
By Gregory Clark, September 4, 1926.
How does Toronto welcome her country visitors?
We found out.
The joint authors of this experiment masqueraded as guests from the country, broke traffic laws, made dumb appeals for public sympathy and assistance, and generally ran foul of the intricate organization of the big city.
Toronto is getting hard boiled. We asked Toronto for guidance and they gave us the horse laugh. We pleaded for tolerance and we were awarded the glassy stare.
This is the bare account of our social experiment.
From one of the big used car dealers we got the oldest and most decayed specimen in his collection that would run. It was a touring model of a well-known make.
It was on sale for $45.
It had four lungs, four tires and it moved in a series of jerks. Driving it from the vacant lot where it was on sale to The Star office we had a blow-out.
Then we dolled it up. We hung pennants all over it, “Toronto,” “Orillia,” “Napanee,” red, green and yellow.
Then Jim chalked some inscriptions on the body – “Omemee1,” “Call on us when you come to Coboconk2,” “Toronto or Bust,” and on the hood he wrote the large word “Guest.”
By the time we had added a few items of rowdy-looking baggage to the running-board, Leaping Lena looked the part of a car that had come a long way, from a far village, on a great adventure.
We also disguised ourselves. Jim had an old fedora hat and a coat that had seen better days. I had let my whiskers grow for three days, and by the simple expedient of putting on a sweater and removing my collar so that my shirtband3 showed I converted myself into a worried-looking general merchant’s heir from one of those wide places in the road.
The boss looked us over.
“You’re overdone,” he said. “As a matter of fact, most of our country visitors come to town in limousines4 and expensive sport models.”
“But this is the way,” said Jim, “Toronto thinks the country cousin looks.”
“I suppose.”
“We are a cartoon of the country visitor.”
So away we went.
There is, as everybody knows who comes down to the centre of the city, one policeman on point duty in Toronto who is the smartest and most military figure left to us out of the great wreck of the big war. Sometimes he is at Adelaide and Yonge, sometimes at King and Yonge. We went forth to find him. For he looks like trouble.
Up Yonge from the waterfront we came, puffing and leaping. The public looked at our inscriptions, with amused and superior grins. “Village cut-ups,” said these grins.
“Pray,” said Jim, as we approached the great cross-ways, “that we don’t have another blowout.”
“That’s just what we need,” I replied.
“There he is!” whispered Jim, in thrilling tones.
Parking at the King Edward
Our ramrod constable was on duty at King and Yonge.
In the line of traffic I edged to the left. As I got within range of the semaphore5 I tooted the horn loudly and flung my left arm out for a left turn. Then I slowed, an expression of excitement on my face, agitation written in my movements.
The constable tapped the notice. “No Left Turn,” with a gloved hand.
I nodded eagerly, as if he had meant for me to turn. Then I stepped on low gear and advanced grimly to make the turn.
The constable straightened his already straight back and glared. He tapped the notice more conspicuously. Meanwhile, we being on the left-hand car track, south-bound traffic was stopped. A curious crowd halted in its busy fluttering about the corner and stared at us.
“Can’t you read?” demanded the constable in sharp voice.
“Oh!” we both exclaimed, blushing furiously. We turned straight up Yonge again and fled in embarrassment.
“Don’t let’s pass that guy again,” said Jim, whose blushes were not all faked. We had practised for several days the art of creating a bucolic flush by holding our breath.
At Adelaide street the signal was against us. But tooting our horn, for all the world like innocents who had the best of intentions and who had no desire to injure anybody, we plowed straight across the intersection and tried to nose our way into the east and west traffic.
Out of the corner of our eyes we watched the policeman. He was regarding us with a stony look. But he said nothing. He did not produce his little book. In a moment he blew his whistle, swung the semaphore and calmly turned his back to us.
Who says the police of Toronto are autocratic and impatient? No doubt, when an obviously sophisticated car makes a bull in the traffic the police make trouble. But they have a great compassion for the stranger in our midst. Nothing arrests their eye but trouble. Our gay pennants, our bright inscriptions caused them scarcely to turn a hair.
Maneuvering our way back again, we headed for the King Edward Hotel. Our intention was to try and park our car right in front of the main entrance.
As we turned in towards the open space that is jealously guarded as a sort of landing in front of the hotel, the doorman leaped forward in his uniform and called out:
“You can’t park here!”
A large crowd of tourists was hanging about on the sidewalk in front of the hotel. They strained their necks to see us.
“Well, where the heck are we going to park?” I asked. “We have been cruising all around the city trying to find a place to park.”
“You can’t park here,” said the doorman, in a friendly manner. “Where are you going?”
“Into the hotel,” said Jim.
“Well, you’ll have to park your car some place else handy,” said the doorman. No flicker of contempt or amusement lightened the eye of the doorman as he regarded our poor old bus. Though as a faithful employe of the great hotel he must have been anxious to get us out of sight.
“We don’t aim to leave our car where we can’t see it from the hotel,” said Jim. “It might get stolen.”

“It wouldn’t get stolen,” assured the doorman, smiling. It seemed more of a tribute to the honesty of the city than a reference to our old boat.
Tying Up King Street
“Say,” said Jim, “you come up to our town and we’ll show you lots of parking space – right in front of the hotel, too.”
“Could you tell us,” I asked, “where we can find a good boarding-house where we can park in front of it?”
“Sorry, I cannot,” said the doorman.
Taxis and limousines were tooting behind us to make way. We swung out into King street. And then our accident happened.
A small car was trying to turn ahead of us. It stopped with its nose against our curb. To avoid hitting it I had to turn on to the left car track. Towards us came a big touring car and a street car hard on its heels.
“Gosh, look out!” cried Jim.
I tried to squeeze back on to our own car track. Our mud-guard took firm grip of the other car’s tail light and with a loud crash wrenched it off.
“Stop, stop!” begged Jim.
But being accustomed to a gear shift car, I was tramping whole-heartedly on both the low gear and the foot brake. And the low gear was the stronger. We kept slowly but steadily grinding ahead. And other loud wrenching and ripping sounds advised us that we were still pulling part of the other car with us. At last I stalled the brute.
A crowd gathered. We all got out.
Traffic was blocked both ways on King street, for I was on the west-bound track facing east and our sparring partner was stopped on the east-bound track.
By shoving we got the two cars parted. A policeman came rushing up.
“Here, who owns these cars?”
“This is mine,” I said, proudly, laying my hand on Leaping Lena.
“Well,” said the policeman, taking me in quickly, “come on and get it out of this. Traffic is tied up.”
He was kindly and persuasive. No commanding tone.
I got in and could not start her.
“Flooded,” said Jim.
So looking around for assistance from all those city folk staring solemnly at our plight, Jim started to shove.
And the only soul that came to our assistance was a little Canadian National messenger boy.
Jim and the boy shoved me to the kerb. The curious crowd lingered about, their faces solemn. No laughter, no grins at the jam the village cut-ups had got into. No offer to help. Suddenly a mutual friend of Jim’s and mine pushed forward and said:
“What on earth’s the matter? Are you tight? You’d better get out of here as fast as you can.”
A few delicate yankings and twiddlings and Leaping Lena came to life and forth again we went on our adventure.
We pulled up in front of one of the smartest stores in Toronto, where they keep a uniformed commissionaire on the sidewalk.
We prepared to get out.
“Can’t park here!” said the official greeter, gruffly.
“We want to do some shopping.”
“Sorry, you can’t park here.”
Again the stolid look, the chill and bleak eye.
“It’s a hard-boiled town,” said Jim. don’t take the slightest interest in us.”
We parked right at a busy corner. The policeman did not come over and order us on. He just bent a hard stare upon us. He did not even signal us to move on. The chilly stare did the trick.
“Let’s go from here,” said Jim.
“A couple of country cousins lost in the great city,” we cried.
So we pushed on into the traffic, looking for trouble.
We stalled on the intersection of Queen and Yonge, just about the hour of closing. The streets were jammed. We managed to stall so that other cars could not pass us on either side, because of the policeman’s semaphore on the one hand and the down-coming traffic on the other.
“Make it, snappy,” said the policeman. I tramped on the rickety starter, tiddling the choke. Jim leaped out and made pretense of cranking.
“I guess we’ll have to shove her,” said Jim to the policeman.
“Out of gas?” asked the constable imperturbably.
A policeman’s life is not a happy one. But thank heaven, they keep their heads. This experiment of ours was a great credit to the police force of Toronto. But it proved pretty conclusively that the public is hard boiled. In the small town trouble brings help before you have a chance to ask for it. Trouble in Toronto brings a curious crowd that makes no effort whatever to help.
Just as we were about to shove the car it came to life. Cars behind were tooting derisively, or impatiently, we cannot say. The police- man returned to his semaphore with never a backward glance. As we pulled away we heard loud remarks behind us.
“Come on, make it snappy!” said the policeman, in an angry tone. A big, citified car that had been right behind us in the traffic jam, had also stalled.
The driver was fiddling with his starting device, very red in the face.
“Come on, come on!” cried the policeman.
Which is significant. Perhaps the policeman comes from the country.
We drove against traffic in the one-way street behind the King Edward. We met five cars in the narrow way, and everyone of them pulled aside to let us through, the drivers looking at us, with cheerful smiles. Not one of them appeared ugly or advised us that we were on a one-way street. We stalled on turns, our engine died on intersections, we made turns on the wrong side of policemen.
The public stared coldly, the policemen pretended not to notice our blunders, motorists behind us tooted and squawked.
Country visitors need fear no thundered imprecations when they venture into the complex civilization of the great city of Toronto.
But neither may they expect any friendly helping hand.
They are free to blunder through and make the best of it themselves.
Editor’s Notes: This is a early Greg-Jim “stunt story” years before the regular series began. The photo in the first image has Greg behind the wheel and Jim in back.
- A town in the Kawartha Lakes. ↩︎
- Another town in the Kawartha Lakes. ↩︎
- This was back when collars could be detached from shirts so you only had to regularly change the collar instead of the whole shirt. ↩︎
- In the context of the 1920s, limousines may just refer to large expensive luxury cars (but could also mean chauffeur-driven vehicles). ↩︎
- Before traffic lights in big cities, police could direct traffic with large rotating semaphores indicating stop and go. ↩︎








